I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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