if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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