everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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