Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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