i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
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Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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