Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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