i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize