I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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