i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
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haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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