It was confusing and full of hummus
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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