Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He shit in the fireplace
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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