what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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