If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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