She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
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How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
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