Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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