Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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