i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of a bidet.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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