I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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