do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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