you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize