im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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