Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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