I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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