I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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