nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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