My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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