I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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