Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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