I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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