My hand turned me down
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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