I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize