I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
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I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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