It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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