Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize