the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize