You're a womanizer and a bitch.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
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There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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