Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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