for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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