Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize