Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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