Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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