The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize