Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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