Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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