So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
operation have a gay friend backfired
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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