I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I look better un-naked...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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