Someone shit on the floor
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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