I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize