I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I need water and some morals
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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