is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
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To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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